We lie together in bed
Beside ourselves.
The only feeling between us
Is the iron-taste of loneliness.
A wise woman recognises that people who spend their teenage years transitioning from one culture, place or role, to another, may often find that their emotional growth is somehow caught in limbo at the age it was when transitioning first begun.
The challenge of choice is my mind's dilemma this month. Having spent the entirety of my adult years longing to be somewhere I am not, I now find myself faced with the decision to leave it. My emotions may have stalled with those of an eleven year old girl, terrified of losing her safety net and grieving for her home. My emotions may also be clutching the hand of a depressed and anxious sixteen year old, terrified by her peers and trying desperately to fend for herself in an unfamiliar and frightening place. Either way, I am no longer the child who can reasonably expect to feel like one. I am a young adult with a choice and the crippling fear I feel at the idea of flying away again is neither rational nor positive.
Beside ourselves.
The only feeling between us
Is the iron-taste of loneliness.
A wise woman recognises that people who spend their teenage years transitioning from one culture, place or role, to another, may often find that their emotional growth is somehow caught in limbo at the age it was when transitioning first begun.
The challenge of choice is my mind's dilemma this month. Having spent the entirety of my adult years longing to be somewhere I am not, I now find myself faced with the decision to leave it. My emotions may have stalled with those of an eleven year old girl, terrified of losing her safety net and grieving for her home. My emotions may also be clutching the hand of a depressed and anxious sixteen year old, terrified by her peers and trying desperately to fend for herself in an unfamiliar and frightening place. Either way, I am no longer the child who can reasonably expect to feel like one. I am a young adult with a choice and the crippling fear I feel at the idea of flying away again is neither rational nor positive.
I cannot tell you how much I dread leaving; I cannot describe how terrified I am by the idea of transitioning once again; of saying goodbye to friends and hello to strangers, of fighting loneliness and sadness, alone, whilst burying the wishful thinking of being in a world that carries on without you, miles and miles away; like a lover on whom you have turned your back. I can only tell you that, at night, in the darkness, my insides clench tightly and the fear and grief of a lost little girl lies beside me in bed.
